


swirl in the white evening sun

by graduating_pitch



Category: Pitch Perfect (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, F/F, Romance, emily is a beautiful snowflake, snail mail is the soundtrack of the summer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-17
Updated: 2019-02-14
Packaged: 2019-09-21 00:39:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 16,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17032974
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/graduating_pitch/pseuds/graduating_pitch
Summary: Emily/Aubrey, high school auAs requested by a lovely readerTitle from Heat Wave by Snail Mail





	1. habit

**Author's Note:**

  * For [QuestioningEVERYTHING](https://archiveofourown.org/users/QuestioningEVERYTHING/gifts).



> Hello,
> 
> besides the fic that sits in the bottom of my writing ocean, slowly growing and writhing, this is my first go at writing some serialized stuff
> 
> thank you QuestioningEVERYTHING for the suggestion!
> 
> chapter titles are all snail mail songs

Emily didn't exactly hate Barden High.

In most aspects, it was a pretty good place. The facilities were nice, the teachers actually gave a shit about you, and the students weren't completely cruel. Sure, they were cliquey as hell and gave people crap for the strangest things, but what kind of teenage co-ed population didn't?

Emily supposed she had at least a small part of the blame in being labeled one of the "weird" kids at school. She wasn't a party animal, and her gangly long limbs had gotten her in enough incidents to be deemed clumsy. And there was that one time where Benji in the year above her had asked her out as a prank, and she had just stood there, rapidly turning red, until he had run away. In her defense, Benji hadn't said too much, just matched her awkwardness until it had become too much bear.

Embarrassing events aside, Emily enjoyed a decent extracurricular life at Barden. Besides her middling grades and the poetry club that her step mother insisted on her joining, Emily was also the current guitarist for the Barden High Jazz Band. Emily did it mostly as a favor to her favorite teacher, Ms Rose, but the music they played was decent stuff and all the kids existed at the same step on the social ladder. Sometimes, practice would end early, and Emily would get to show Ms Rose the songs she'd been writing. That definitely made Jazz Band feel like it was worth it.

Of course, Emily sometimes felt a bit lost with her place in the world, in Barden. She had a few close friends, but she didn't really fit like she quite fit in with everybody. There would be times where she'd just take a step back in her head and marvel at how differently she felt from everyone else in the room. But she supposed that was just the nature of being an sophomore in a middle class school in the middle of Atlanta. Not quite nowhere but not close enough to be anywhere.

And it's not like she was a weirdo weirdo, someone like Bumper. That kid was the center of attention no matter where he went, and not in a good way. Emily was just different. When she'd talk about songwriting, other kids would just glaze over. When she'd wave to some people, sometimes they'd pretend not to see her. On some days it seemed like no-one except Stacie and Lily would even try to interact with her and-

Okay, maybe Emily did hate Barden.

-

Emily had two close friends in Barden, and they couldn't be any more different. But when they all got together, there would never be a missed beat between them, not a dull moment where Emily wasn't giggling over.

Stacie had been Emily's first friend all the way back in first grade. Stacie would tell the story of how Emily dramatically fell into her life, stunned by her beauty. Emily would point out that Stacie had knocked over Donald's tower of blocks just moments before. And that was Stacie now honestly. Strong, confident, casually willing to do anything. Beautiful, way more popular than Emily. But they had become bonded to each other, and Emily would not change a way about how their friendship worked. Stacie opened her up, made her confront the illusions she'd sometimes led take over her life.

Emily in turn, did her best to keep Stacie grounded and out of all trouble in her worst behavior. There was one particular time where Stacie had gone out long past her curfew, and left poor Emily to nervously tell her parents that Stacie was already contentedly sleeping at hers. That of course had not ended well, but even the punishment of cleaning out Stacie's garage had devolved into laughter and a closer bond than before. They had the other's back, without question, before anything else.

Emily had met Lily at the start of last year, when she had just moved from Korea. Mr Kramer had stiffly asked Emily to accompany Lily around in her first few weeks to help her integrate. By the end of the first month, Emily was sure that Lily was barely capable to speech, having not uttered the softest words through every day they had spent together. But when Lily had thanked her, and in turn offered to teach her how to skin a rabbit in 12 different ways, Emily had burst into peals of laughter in sheer surprise. Lily barely spoke, but when she did, Emily thought she was the funniest, most random human she'd ever known.

Lily was for Emily, but in a much different way than Stacie was. She wouldn't crash through doors, demanding that Emily tell her everything about everything. She didn't force Emily to act, telling exactly the ways she screwed up. Lily was patient with Emily, listened to everything she had to say. Even when Emily knew what she was ranting was probably unreasonable, Lily would sit there, eyes wide, taking in everything Emily had to say. That was why Emily made sure not to miss the rare words that came from Lily's mouth. Because she knew even though she said so much more, Lily was doing the same for her.

While they didn't share all the same classes together, the girls always made sure to eat together during lunchtime, even with the popular girls making snarky comments towards Stacie and the Asian clique always trying to wordlessly pull Lily away from them. Come weekends they'd always find themselves at each others' houses, one way or another. And their group chat never failed to put a smile on Emily's face, Lily and Stacie trading witty comments like they never would in person.

-

Emily sighed as she finally got home from another long day. Recently, math had been kicking her ass, and the issue certainly wasn't helped by the boys throwing paper balls all day. Emily understood that they were bored, but some of the people were trying to do well right? In any case, it had left Emily with a bunch of homework to do, even before she went to Aubrey's after dinner. However, Emily's brief attempt at work was interrupted by a incoming video call from her sister. Emily squeaked as she rushed to pick up the phone. Emily loved her sister a lot, and treasured the times that she took out of her increasingly busy schedule to call Emily. Emily pushed accept to see her older sister, still at work, smiling wryly at her.

"Hey kid."

"Beca!"

"Tell me about your life kid."

Beca had moved to LA at the request of her boss, and had taken her army of fans and her sizeable production credits with her. It hadn't taken her long to work her way up the ranks, and in no time she was the LA club scene's best kept secret and was working alongside some of the best in the business. She had even done some work with Taylor Swift last summer, a fact that Emily was simultaneously extremely proud and jealous of.

Even though Beca was her step sister, she had taken Emily her wing immediately, always making sure to check and understand exactly what was going on her life. She even gave her feedback on the songs that Emily wrote, and had gave Emily her old recording gear to make demos in her bedroom. At first, Emily was skeptical of both Beca and her mother, not quite understanding the concept of her father remarrying after her mom had passed away. These days, she couldn't imagine life without their support, their care, their sheer love for her.

As she regaled Beca with stories from the past week, she watched as her sister laughed at her tales of Stacie's antics, grimaced at Emily's description of her math classes, and smiled as Emily told her about her mother's new blending obsession. She seemed particularly bright despite the long day she must have had, and Emily was pretty sure she knew the reason why.

"So, how's Chloe going?"

Emily liked being able to make Beca blush. The older girl always prided herself in presenting as the cool older sister all the time, but Emily knew better than that. She definitely had her faults, including being seemingly unable to find a girlfriend due to a string of hilariously bad luck and occasional awkwardness. However, the latter had changed a couple months ago when Beca had brought a girl home for Christmas.

Her name was Chloe, and she was the nicest, warmest, sweetest person that Emily had ever met. She had even managed to charm Emily's step mother in a matter of minutes, convince Emily's dad to let her cook for the Christmas lunch they always had, and any mention of her around Beca led very quickly to a red faced Beca. It was cute, Emily mused, for Chloe to have such a consistent effect on Beca.

As Beca gushed, something that she never really did unless it was about music or Chloe, Emily wondered what it was like to be love.

-

If Emily hated Barden, then there was really only one redeeming factor about it. It was that on her first day, and for everyday after that, she got to know Aubrey Posen. For it was Aubrey, bright eyed and intense, who was the representative of the student council who was assigned to Emily's group of freshmen to help them get integrated From that group, Emily got to know how kind Aubrey was, how smart she was. And most of all, she found out how much Aubrey cared. When she held onto something, she had a vice like grip, something sturdy and unyielding.

Initially these weekly study sessions at Aubrey's house had included all the freshmen from that particular group, something which Emily definitely knew didn't happen for any of the other groups. However, over the past year, it had gradually petered out to just the two of them. Not that either of them had minded. It's funny, out of all the people Emily was supposed to have connected to in the group, it probably wasn't the passionate junior. However, their friendship had come so naturally and so quickly it seemed ridiculous for it to have turned out any other way.

Currently, Aubrey was perched over Emily's shoulder, studying the math equations that she had been stuck on. Her blonde hair hung lightly off her head, the tips ticking Emily's cheek. Emily knew that even though Aubrey claimed she wasn't the greatest when it came to math, she wanted to absolutely understand it before she explained it to Emily. Meanwhile, Emily scrolled through her insta feed to show Aubrey cat pictures. Aubrey giggled when she saw one particular photo of a cat trapped in a sweater.

If you asked why Emily liked hanging with Aubrey, she'd be able to provide no shortage of answers as to why. Aubrey was popular, yet she was super grounded and treated everyone with respect. Aubrey was cool, but also could get fired up on the right topics. Aubrey was smart, yet she knew how to talk with you on the same level. Aubrey may seem overbearing, but Emily thought it was admirable how she could give her everything to anything she wanted. Aubrey was everything that Barden wasn't, all empathy over apathy, all care over haphazardness. Emily was sure come next year, Aubrey would get out of this town to study at some super university where she could truly make the best of her talents.

On the other hand, Emily would personally be a bit hard pressed to find too many reasons Aubrey would want to hang out with her. She wasn't exactly a social butterfly, nor was she full of the class she felt Aubrey exuded. If she had to pinpoint any reason, it's just that Emily was full of energy. Emily supposed that might be nice to have around, an amusing fresh breath of air. Around Aubrey, Emily felt like she was flying, wild and free. She could tell Aubrey anything, and she would just get it, somehow, through the connection they had. Even if there wasn't one strong reason, Emily was certain in their bond. She made Aubrey happy in some unknown fashion, so who was she to deny Aubrey of what she wanted?

In any case, in an attic bedroom with Aubrey's favorite classical spotify playlist playing, Aubrey patiently explaining concepts that were just starting to make sense, Emily was glad that Aubrey was hers, and she the same for Aubrey.


	2. dirt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> titrations and new responsibilities

Emily watched as Stacie stuck her tongue out and pinched one eye shut, concentrating hard. Stacie always wanted to be the first to complete their chem pracs, but this titration was taking all of her focus to execute. Emily always found it funny how quickly Stacie could switch between never shutting her mouth to the almost unnerving stillness that she was currently exhibiting. However, in the moment, Emily was bored. Stacie, in her rush to get everything done perfect, had mostly relegated Emily to the paperwork side of the prac, and she was looking for a bit of payback.

"So Stacie, how's Tom going?"

Stacie didn't even blink, or flicker her gaze away from the test tubes for a moment.

"Tom's okay. Not as fun as Nick or anything, but he thinks he treats me good."

Emily propped her elbow on the counter just behind the test tubes, resting her chin on her palm.

"So no more incidents since last week?"

Stacie's boyfriends (she claimed she didn't even let half of them kiss her or anything) often had to make a quick exit from the Conrad household through Stacie's bedroom, and apparently Tom had a bit of fall trying to get down from the second storey.

"Nope, not after I gave him a hands on lesson on how to climb the tree properly."

Stacie didn't even spare Emily a glance. Emily pouted, trying to make funny faces, to which Stacie remained oblivious too.

"So, what about your love life?"

What?

Emily hadn't expected her to ask that question. If anything remotely interesting happened, Emily would have told Stacie long ago. But for her, none of the boys around their age were particularly interesting. To Emily, honestly they all seem a bit shallow. All that heart melting bravado didn't do too much for her.

"No, you would be the first to know."

At that, Stacie smirked. Emily felt a twinge in her gut. That was Stacie's "I know something you don't" smirk.

"What about Aubrey? Are you still hanging out with her?"

"Yeah, I am. What's that got to do with anything?"

"I mean you do have a study date with her every week. And you know her parents. And you always gush about her and-"

"First of all, it's a study session, not a date. Second of all, it's just that her parents are nice. And I don't always talk about her, besides, I'm not even..."

Emily trailed off, something fuzzy at the back of her slowly coming into focus.

"Not even what?"

Stacie put the test tubes down, apparently done with the titration for the moment. Emily felt gooey on the inside, like her organs couldn't decide what they wanted to be.

"I don't think... I don't think I'm gay?"

Stacie almost looked disappointed in a flash moment, like Emily did something wrong. A moment later, the strange expression disappeared, replaced by a grin.

"I mean, you did fall over because of these beauties."

Stacie tried to accompany the statement with groping her boobs, but as she did so, she accidentally knocked over the tubes in front of her.

They both stared in shock for a moment, then Emily couldn't help but to burst into laughter. After a moment of brief remorse, Stacie began laughing too, as Mr Swanson rushed over to help them clean up the spill.

-

This is the worst thing that could have happened ever.

Why did Ms Rose do this to Emily?

She thought she was Ms Rose's favorite student?

As band members shuffled in at the end of the day into the music building, Emily noticed one particular absence. Donald, the superstar junior drummer, was conspicuously missing. Usually, Donald was the first here, and he usually checked up with the other three kids in the rhythm section. Emily wonders where he is, what he might be up to. However, she didn't have to wait long to find out. Ms Rose hushed all the kids, to declare that she had something special to announce.

"Donald has gone overseas with his father to drum with him on his tour. Thus, we will be holding auditions next week for a drummer for the rest of the year. In addition, I would like to announce who will lead the rhythm section in his stead."

Emily looked over at the bassist Ashley, and the piano player Jessica. Both of them juniors, but neither of them particularly leaders. Sometimes, Ms Rose would even get confused between the two. Still, they were both nice people and they knew their stuff, so Emily wouldn't really mind whichever one of them Ms Rose decided to go with-

"Emily Junk!"

What?

Wait, what?

Well, apparently everyone is looking at her, clapping politely and smiling.

"Emily will be helping me find the band a new drummer, and she'll be running the sectionals for the rhythm section from now on. Alice, make sure you work with Emily so the whole band runs even smoother than it did before, okay?"

The band leader gave a curt nod, and then everyone was pulling out the sheet music for the upcoming set, like nothing happened. Emily couldn't do that. What was she supposed to do now? It's not like she hated jazz band, but it wasn't exactly something she was proud of. She was just a sophomore, she was just Emily. Still feeling the shock, she numbly reached for her music to place on her stand.

After mechanically making her way through the practice, Emily approached Ms Rose at the front of the room, who was giving some additional instructions to Alice, the alto saxophonist in her senior year.

"Ms Rose?"

"Yes Emily?"

"Why did you make me the rhythm section leader?"

"I think it'd be a really good opportunity for you. I think you have a bright future ahead of you, and learning to co-ordinate even this smaller section of the band will help you build the skills and confidence to lead others in the future."

Emily thought that it did make a bit of sense, but she couldn't help but feel the growing inadequacy bubbling in her stomach, the anxiety of being not anywhere close as good as Donald was in the role.

Ms Rose put a hand on her shoulder.

"Look, just try it for a couple weeks and we'll see how we go, okay? I understand if it might seem a bit daunting, but I did because I think you'll be able to nail it."

"Okay. Thanks Ms Rose."

Emily tried to inject as much enthusiasm in her voice as possible. Even though she didn't fully believe in herself, Ms Rose genuinely believed in her, and now she had trusted her. Ms Rose gave her small smile, and then Emily took her guitar and began the journey home. She scraped her feet against the pavement all the way, head down in worry and hands clenching her gear.

-

"And then everyone starting clapping, and I was like, I don't know what to do with my hands!"

Emily saw Ms Rose's small smile reflected on Beca's face. She decided it was becoming one of her less favorite expressions on her favorite people.

"Sounds like a great opportunity if you ask me."

"That's what Ms Rose said! Still, I'm worried about it. I don't think I'm as good as Donald, you know me, I'm not exactly the social butterfly that can just make everything go smoothly."

Emily watched as Beca leant back in her office chair, clearly settling into the direction of the conversation.

"Neither am I kid, but we have to adjust  no matter what we do. Especially in this business, where if you don't push for yourself, no-one will."

Emily didn't really have anything to contend against that. Beca was right, Ms Rose was right. But that didn't stop Emily from feeling bad about it. That just made Emily have to deal with it.

"Yeah, I guess you're right."

"Trust me, you can do it. Don't think about Donald, or whatever he did. Just focusing on doing you, staying in your lane, and you'll be surprised at what you can do."

They sat in silence, Emily taking it all in. Beca always gave great advice. In a lot of ways, she and Beca were quite similar, their love for music, their general disdain for social interaction and people in general.  That was one of the things that made Emily sure that they were siblings, the way they knew exactly just how much to say and exactly how much not to. And Beca had gotten so far in the music industry, done so much right that listening to her was like slowly being given the roadmap of the future, piece by piece, in directions and orientations that Emily didn't think she understood the full breadth of yet.

"Anyways, I have some exciting news for you."

Emily bounced up in down in anticipation. Beca very rarely used positive words to describe anything, so it must be a pretty big deal.

"What is it what is it?"

"Well Chloe's coming down to Georgia to help prepare for her sister's wedding, and mom insisted she stay with you guys even though she wanted to find a hotel."

Emily let out a squeal. It was fun the last time Beca and Chloe came over, Chloe honestly adding some brevity that the house had never had before she came.

"Omigosh! That's so exciting"

"Well, I did promise exciting news."

"Are you coming as well?"

"It sucks, but I can only fly on the day of the wedding. So I'll see you for like two hours before the wedding starts, and then whenever Chloe's finished crying and helping with the pack up in the evening."

Emily couldn't help but be a little bit disappointed. She always liked having Beca around, being a part of life. It felt like in some small way they were making up for the years where they had never known each other, to fill in the gap of the years in their sister bond that Emily felt like that should be there. Still, it was going to be really nice to have Chloe around for a bit.

"Well, it's something isn't it."

"Yeah, it should be good."

They sat again, contended silence, anticipation for the days that lay ahead.

"So, tell me about what's keeping you so busy that you have to stay in LA for so long."

"Okay, so, there's this really interesting development in the band that I'm producing this album for..."

-

"You seem distracted. Like more than usual."

Aubrey had put her pen down and was staring at Emily expectantly. Emily suddenly became conscious that she had been doing nothing but twirling one strand of her hair for about ten minutes now, and she sat up straighter to look back into Aubrey's bright blue eyes.

"Nah, it's just..."

Emily trailed off, she didn't exactly want to burden Aubrey with her troubles. She'd already talked about it with Beca, and while the negative emotions surrounding the situation were still there, she supposed it was just something she'd have to work through as the days went by.

"Did something bad happen today? Are you okay?"

Aubrey rose from her seat in front of the computer to bridge the gap between them,

Yeah, I'm okay Aubrey."

"Then what's wrong? You haven't done very much work, which is normal for you."

Emily gave a small chuckle at that, but Aubrey's eyes remained affixed on hers.

"But you've barely looked at your phone, and don't forget that you promised me you let me read some of the lyrics that you've writing lately. So there must be something."

Oh Aubrey, pure sweet Aubrey. She read Emily like no-one else, and knew just the right ways to push that Emily wouldn't clam up and shut up. That was something not even her step mother had quite yet mastered, still Aubrey managed to tear her walls down in such delicate fashion.

"I-I got the role of rhythm section leader in our jazz band after Donald left."

Aubrey formed a confused grin.

"That's good, isn't it?"

Emily struggled to get the words out, but she felt like she had to. For Aubrey.

"It is, I guess. It's just that I'm nervous I guess? Donald did such a good job, and the other two that are still there are juniors, so it's like I'm younger but I'm in charge? And I don't feel like I deserve it I guess. Well I know Ms Rose gave it to me because she believed in me, but I'm just worried, and..."

"Oh honey."

Emily felt herself being wrapped up in a hug, Aubrey squeezing her tight. There were no words needed, no words that would give as much comfort as Aubrey's physical presence in that moment. It wasn't logic she need to get through this, Emily realized. It was just faith, and support, and all the things that make the world okay by just being.

"It's totally okay to be uncertain about what might happen or how well you do, okay?"

Emily felt Aubrey's affection wash over her like a wave, and it sent a surge of emotion through her, threatening to spill through her eyes.

"Okay."

She let out the word, choked up, barely. For a while they remained like that, Emily seated, Aubrey's safe arms over her. She wasn't crying, but she was definitely feeling the pressure of it all settle within her. But instead of running chaotic like before, agitated by the words of her betters, Emily felt it still in her, a weight she was now ready to carry. Eventually Aubrey pulled away from her, still with hands on Emily's shoulders, looking reassuringly into Emily's orbs.

"I'm gonna get us some drinks, okay?"

Emily nodded as she watched Aubrey step out of the room. She stood to reorient herself, stretch her legs. That was when she noticed what was on Aubrey's screen. She had a document open with all her applications for next year. They were all Georgia universities, some small private ones, others bigger but still. Shouldn't Aubrey be shooting for the best of the best? She was top of her classes in almost every subject, and Emily knew she had a host of other qualifications to back up her academic results. It was odd to her, that someone so ambitious would limit themselves so much, and she resolved to ask Aubrey about it sometime in the future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cool, so i'm about a chapter ahead at the moment
> 
> also i realized how much my high school emily is pretty much nadine from edge of seventeen


	3. static buzz

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sneaking in one more chapter before the new year

Emily and Lilly sat at the very front of Mr Watts' math class, dutifully taking notes and trying to understand how in God's green earth positive and negative integers worked. Well, at least Emily was trying to. Lilly was spending her time drawing the most realistic depiction of the human hand Emily had ever seen. It had all the muscles and tendons drawn in, with what looked like incision lines drawn in as well? Emily didn't quite understand it, but she found it fascinating, and a little bit distracting. Even though it was in clear view of Mr Watts, he didn't seem to care too much, as he waxed some odd poetic about how adding negative integers was like putting two angry ducks in the same cage.

The week hadn't gone terribly, Emily mused. The first rhythm section sectional had gone alright, with the drum auditions being held next week it was just Jessica and Ashley who turned up. If they were disappointed, or angry that Emily had gotten the position over them, they didn't show it. From what Emily could tell they were just happy to be around, and they had gone through their pieces a couple times before Emily had called it a day. Even through it all however, Emily had felt a bit hesitant to give direction, even when there were times where she felt like were a couple small things to improve.

"Ducks have three eyelids, just like me."

Emily whipped her head around to face Lilly, and then had to stifle her giggles as she saw Lilly's depiction of two angry ducks in one cage, with one apparently clutching a knife between its feathers.

"Does that mean you blink them all in one go, or do they work in layers, like an onion?"

Emily whispered to Lilly, whose eyes shot up with delight, which Emily presumed meant that she knew exactly how the intricacies of duck eyelids worked. However, she'd didn't get the chance to explain it to Emily, as the bell rang to signal the end of the period. The soundscape of the classroom was drowned in the dragging of chairs, the retrieval of pencils, and the closing of textbooks. It was kind of artistic, Emily thought, in the way the class moved as a chaotic whole to escape. Poor Mr Watts had to raise his usually soft voice to remind them of the homework they had due after the weekend.

"What class do you have next?" Lilly murmured in Emily's ear.

"Uh, I think I have German with Mr Kramer."

Lilly turned her head back and forth, like she was looking for any eavesdroppers into their innocuous conversation. She cupped Emily's ear to give her some last advice.

"Watch out for Mr Kramer's eyes. He hates when you don't cross your is and dot your ts."

Emily let out a giggle.

"Thanks Lily. See you at lunchtime."

"Bye Emily."

-

Emily sat on the balcony that linked to her parent's bedroom, watching the sun slowly dip down underneath the suburban houses and into the night. This was usually her favorite place to exhale, forget about the world, and write lyrics to the songs that had been stuck in her head for the past few days. Today however, she was having some difficulty writing. The words weren't just coming to her, her head was filled with nonsensical rhymes that didn't really fit anything she was going for at all. No matter how much she forced it, it seemed today was a lost cause in making any further progress.

Which kind of sucked honestly. She had this melody stuck in her head all day, following her through the school halls, but she hadn't been able to find the words that fit it. It sounded... Hopeful. Strong. Like the music was letting you know that things would be okay, better than okay, that the world would be wonderful if you just held on a little longer. That as long as you had, had that something, you could trust it. Rely on it. Even though Emily was becoming more and more cognizant of the emotions, she still couldn't quite place it in words. Outline the shape of it with phrases.

Some days it was like this, with music. It was a beautiful, enchanting thing, but ultimately the scope of it, the whole it was mysterious, a world incomprehensible in a single glance. Emily could vividly recall the first time she had heard music that sounded just like that, overwhelming and all too much in the best of ways. Ever since then she had been in pursuit of the music, the sound, as often as the times where life wasn't in the way. Unfortunately, it seemed like life was firmly in the way today, crowding the streets of Emily so nothing could come through.

It was hard being a teenager, no matter how ridiculous the statement seemed to be if Emily were to say it out loud. There were so many things that she didn't understand, so many ways other people could confuse her. There were only a precious few that Emily felt like she could relate to on any level. And even then, those people would sometimes confound her, act in ways that she didn't think she could expect. It all spun around until it was hazy as the sun setting, making Emily lose herself in the daze that it left her in.

Anyway, she couldn't waste too much time up here, as nice as it would be. Chloe would be coming to their house real soon, and Emily had barely done any of the chores that her step mother told her to do to prepare the house. She gathered her things from the balcony floor, slipped off her flip flops and headed back into the house.

-

Three quick knocks sounded from the door, and Emily practically jumped off the dining chair to open it. The white door swung open to reveal Chloe, arms full of bags, eyes widening in delight at seeing Emily.

"EMILY!"

Both girls squealed as they tried to embrace on the doorstep. Chloe's bags kind of got in the way as she tried to swing her arms around Emily, but they made it work. Chloe relayed her thanks to both Emily and her step mother, who was standing a bit farther away from the hug. They eventually released, and Emily took some of Chloe's things and bounded up the stairs to show her to the guest room.

Emily adored Chloe. She definitely saw her as one the nicest, most charming people she'd ever met. Chloe had this energy, this brightness to her that seemed to light up whichever room she was in, whatever she was doing. But what Emily really admired about Chloe was her ability to care. She was so touched last Christmas when during a quiet moment, Chloe had offered to listen to anything Emily had on her mind. Emily had nearly broken down, having had a particularly rough time after the Benji incident at school, and Chloe was there for her throughout it.

It was also that combination of personality traits that Emily was sure made Chloe such a good match for Beca. Beca needed someone that not only kept her invested and awake in the world (both metaphorically and physically), but someone who at the very center, was good. Because Emily knew that in her heart, Beca was good too. She just hid it, disguised it, justifiably guarded her vulnerability. With Chloe, she was safe to bring that part out of her, and Emily thought they were both better for it. It was their relationship that made Emily see all that couple-y stuff as more than just for old people, some people just found each other at the right time.

Once Chloe put all her bags down, she turned to Emily again.

"So, how's it all going?"

"Yeah okay I guess, I don't know if Beca told you but I got put in charge of the rhythm section for our jazz band. School's kinda stressing me out a bit because I'm not finding it super easy to understand everything, but I guess that's just school. And family is good, which is good, but like the sort of stable, almost boring good you know? And now I'm rambling so how are you doing?"

Emily let it all out in huff, almost unwillingly. But that was how Chloe was, someone who made you comfortable to just be you. Emily only really got that feeling around family, and Stacie and Lily, and Aubrey...

That reminded Emily. She needed to talk to Aubrey about something tonight. Something that was bothering her more than she expected. Aubrey wasn't pushing for herself as much as she could, which was odd for her. Emily wanted to find out why, and hopefully convince

But she brushed that aside for moment, turning her attention back to Chloe and her bizarre vet stories.

-

It was another quiet evening in the Posen household, with Aubrey's mom having gone out for choir practice and her older brother working late as usual. Aubrey sat ramrod straight in her computer chair, typing out some notes while Emily lay sprawled out on Aubrey's bed, tackling some chem homework amongst the messy pile she had strewn around her. Internally, Emily was a bit nervous. She wanted to talk to Aubrey about her applications but she wasn't quite sure how to approach the topic. Still, it felt important to Emily that Aubrey should be reaching for the stars, so she supposed she would just have to commit to this.

"Hey Aubrey?"

"Yes Emily?"

Aubrey swiveled from her chair, easy smile already on her face as she turned to look at Emily.

Emily took a deep breath in. She had to do this. For Aubrey.

"What are your plans for next year? Like, where do you think you'll go?"

Emily noticed as Aubrey stiffened up, almost instinctively to the question. She thought it was a touch odd, considering that was probably the question Aubrey had been asked the most in the past couple weeks.

"Um, I'm applying to Georgia Tech for sure, then Emory, and I heard Agnes Scott was really good as well, so I think I'll try there as well."

"So nowhere out of state?"

Emily asked, sitting up straighter from her position on the bed.

Aubrey's eyes darted back and forth just for an instant, as if she was searching for an out to the conversation.

"No, I don't really think it's worth thinking about."

From Aubrey's tone Emily didn't really believe her. It sounded like Aubrey didn't really agree with the words that were coming out of her mouth, like her face was at odds with the rest of her body.

"Why not? I think it'd be really good for you. And you shouldn't have any problem getting in, you know? You're kind of fucking great, everyone knows that you're great."

Aubrey flinched a bit at the profanity, but Emily also saw the pride creep onto her face as a tiny smirk. So she decided to push a bit.

"I mean, you don't even like Georgia that much. You always talk about how bible bashers run too rampant, and how there's isn't much that one can do around here.  Like, name one redeeming factor about staying."

"Emily-"

"I don't really get why you want to stay when you know you can do better. When there's so much more you can do!"

Emily was getting a bit heated, but in her head she had to tell Aubrey how fucking _good_ she was. How high her wings could take her, if she'd let them.

"What's so worth staying here for?"

"You."

Emily stopped, in utter confusion of what Aubrey just said. Aubrey on the other hand, was now looking firmly into Emily's eyes, all traces of her nervousness gone. She blazed with quiet conviction, while Emily's head finally caught up to what Aubrey had to say.

"Me?"

Aubrey rolled her eyes, but fondly, as if she knew the exact depths of Emily's insecurity and liked for it all the same.

"Yes Emily, you."

The words that followed tumbled out of Emily, still flabbergasted but this apparent revelation from Aubrey.

"But why?"

Aubrey sighed, again with an air of familiarity that suddenly made Emily feel overwhelmed, like she was rather swiftly realizing where exactly she was, who exactly she was.

"Because maybe you're the only person I've ever met that makes me feel like I can do it all. Like you believe me, without pretension or any kind of manipulative intent. Everyone else knows my name, but they don't really know me, not like you do. Maybe it's because I see you and I see the stars, brilliant and bright in their joy. Maybe you make me feel all these things, and I want to feel those things more often. So I want to stick around, see if I can have you just a little bit longer, before the world changes as it does."

The words hung between them, and they sat with Emily on the car ride home.


	4. deep sea

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> and all the pieces begin to fall together

"Alright, that's it for today. Great jobs guys, make sure you keep practicing. The competition may seem far away, but it'll sneak up on us when we're not looking."

Ms Rose began packing up her stuff, and the rest of the band began to follow suit. Emily turned to the members of the rhythm section, who were already waiting for her to give her input for the day. Ashley leant her double bass on her knees as she sat down. Jessica was rolling out the cloth over the keys of the school piano. Michael the new drummer, who insisted on being called Unicycle, leant forward over his snare.

"Everybody did a good job today. There was a couple things we can look to iron out though. Jessica, just watch on how much you're comping so you and I don't overcrowd the pieces, especially during the solo sections. Ashley, your tone is getting better week by week, so keep up at it. Unicycle, don't be afraid to change it up more often. I heard you play during auditions, you definitely have the chops to pull some cool stuff out. But I also wanna say, we've been really growing as a team and I appreciate the feedback everyone's been giving so we can improve. Be proud of yourselves, okay? Alright, I'll see you all on Friday for sectionals okay?"

Everyone gave nods of assent, and they too started to pack up their gear. Emily felt a twinge of pride. From a couple weeks ago, where they had little to no synergy and they worked through problems very slowly, they were here now, listening and playing well with each other. In her head there was a small bubbling of confidence in her, the notion that the undeniable proof that she could do it stood before her, but she wasn't quite ready to believe it wholly yet. Still, even if she wasn't completely sure about herself, she was definitely proud of the rhythm section.

Emily was definitely settling into a rhythm at school. She was finally getting a grasp over most of subjects (with generous help from Aubrey), Stacie and Lilly had been taking her on an "op shop world tour" as they called it over the past couple weekends, and she was getting used to the fact that her dad was on another two month business trip. Things could be better, but things could always be better right? I mean, she had made some baloney excuse about not being able to make it to Aubrey's last week, but she was going this week right? It was fine.

It was fine, it was fine.

That was all Emily was telling herself on the walk home, trying to ignore the swelling feeling in her stomach. But if she had to articulate what that feeling exactly was, she wouldn't call it malicious. More exciting than frightening, like approaching the top of a roller coaster track. Watching as the ascent tapered off, and all you could see ahead of you was sky.

Only Emily couldn't imagine what it'd feel like to come racing down the hill.

-

So Emily was totally supposed be doing her essay on Of Mice and Men right now, but she instead had been strumming the same chords that she was trying to write on that evening on the balcony. She was still musing on the emotions she had felt on that day, trying to focus on some single point on the still hazy plane that was the song. But strangely enough, or perhaps not strangely at all, she was thinking about Aubrey. That night, where everything grew a bit, even just a by inches. Emily was thinking on what exactly happened. What Aubrey had said, what she had really meant. Emily had been thinking about it a lot, thinking about what she actually thought of it.

Emily was flattered, for starters. That someone like Aubrey would think of her like that. The thought that followed that was one of disbelief. How could someone as wonderful as Aubrey place her in such high regard? Surely there was someone else smarter, funnier, more lively than Emily. Someone who would sweep Aubrey off her feet, treat her wonderfully, just as she deserved. Emily didn't think that she was that person right now, and she wasn't sure that she would ever be. She never really knew the right thing to say at the right time, never seemed to be in the right mindset. Aubrey deserved to treasure something better that Emily thought she could be right now, Aubrey deserved someone with equal her fire, her care, her determination. Emily was just a girl, adrift in a world she was taking agonizingly slow to comprehend.

But she had always tried around Aubrey. Not in some desperate way, or some dramatically out of character action. She had always tried to be herself, but the best part of her. The part of Emily that rushed at her goals relentlessly. When Aubrey took the time to teach her something from school. Or when Aubrey had asked to hear some of her music, she had spent the week constantly messaging Beca on how to polish her demos. There was something about Aubrey that made her want to give it her all, write the story as it was meant to be. Emily liked that, like Aubrey, liked how she made Aubrey the same.

Aubrey was her sea of stars, just like she was for Aubrey. In the world where Emily didn't know quite what she was, how the world related to her, Aubrey was a guiding beacon, a steady trust. Something, someone to be relied upon, to build something lasting with. Emily liked Aubrey. Like really liked her. When Emily was around her, she felt so steady, yet ascending above the clouds. The revelation was like petals unfolding in Emily's mind, some beautiful center that had been there for a very long time, waiting to be uncovered. Her mind began to race, and she began to write the words that came her in a rush, heady and fast.

_When tomorrow comes, I'll be on my own..._

-

It was after dinner, when Chloe was washing the dishes, and Emily was still sitting on one of the dining chairs, waiting for her step mother to get ready to take her to Aubrey's for another study session. Chloe had come back from her sister's dress fittings, and was humming contentedly, having described to Emily earlier about the wonderful moment, after hours of trying on dress after dress, when Chloe's sister finally came out in a simple, flowing dress that they both had immediately declared as the one. Emily sat there, picking at her nails, her next words sitting awkwardly in her head. Even though she trusted Chloe absolutely, it didn't make the words any less odd coming out of her mouth.

"Hey Chloe?"

Chloe turned away from the dishes to look at Emily. Emily felt a surge of something fierce come from her stomach, and tried to take solace in Chloe's calming presence.

"Yeah Emily?"

"How did, um."

"How did I what?"

Chloe was smiling, and oh god Emily did not really want to be in the room anymore. But she had chosen her bed, and she had reasons beyond herself in asking the question.

"Howdidyouknowyouweregay?"

Chloe giggled, turning the tap off and beginning to dry the plates.

"Sorry, what did you say Emily?"

Emily took a breath in, composing herself again.

"How did you know you were gay? Or like when?"

"Oh! Ummm, let me take a seat."

Drying her hands, Chloe moved around the kitchen bench, pulling up a chair next to Emily and turning it towards her. Emily swiveled in her seat to face Chloe, who took both her hands in her own.

"I was about your age when I figured it out, but there's something important about that I have to tell you. It wasn't a single moment, no light bulb thought or sexual awakening."

Emily could feel the warmth of Chloe's hands, her motherly eyes.

"It was just a feeling, I don't really know the exact day when it started. But it grew and it grew, and the more it grew, the more it felt right, you know? Like I knew it all along, just not in my head."

"But in your heart."

Emily giggled, she couldn't help but add the cheesy line. Still, Chloe's eyes sparkled, pleased that Emily had understood.

"Yes, in my heart. And no-one could take that away from me. Just as you might find out things about yourself that scare other people, maybe even yourself, you can't just run away from them. They're yours now, and you're more beautiful for it. It took me a long time to figure that out, and I'd be glad if you could get there a little earlier than I did. It would save you some trouble at the very least."

From that moment, a thick, warm silence lay over them, poignant with meaning. To Emily, it felt as if the room had shifted, ever so slightly, but in a fashion that was impossible to ignore. It wasn't quite a waterfall, but it was that one pebble in the lake. Quietly sweeping out to the very borders of her soul. This wasn't quite everything yet, but it could be. Emily moved to sweep Chloe in a hug.

"Thank you for sharing with me Chloe, I really appreciate it, I really do."

"It's really nothing at all. After all, it's what family does right?"

-

Emily could tell Aubrey knew something was up.

The night had started off normal, nice. Aubrey had acted like nothing had happened, and Emily followed suit. They settled into a easy rhythm of working, tumblr browsing and idle chatter. But in her gut, she felt it building in her. And this time, she was determined to follow what her wilder side was suggesting. She had to do it. For Aubrey first and foremost. And maybe, just maybe, do it for herself.

"Hey Aubrey?"

"Yes Emily?"

"Have you given any more thought about where you 're going next year?"

In that moment, Aubrey simply looked tired. For anything else, Emily would have faltered, backed down. But this was for Aubrey, so she waited out the silence as Aubrey finally drew the breath to speak.

"I have but... I'm staying here."

Aubrey's eyes flickered away from Emily, and her left hand clasped her elbow in insecurity.

"You know why."

Emily's heart was pulled towards Aubrey, affection flaring. Her body followed, taking her right hand in both her hands.

"Oh Aubrey."

Emily watched as Aubrey's walls cracked, then collapsed, and then Emily found Aubrey in her arms, as the girl that she held so much affection for was holding on to her for dear life. Emily saw the tears of a girl who held the world above her, tending to and mending it with all she had. A girl who had to be perfect because she had to be the best that she could be. And Emily had make sure that stayed true. Had to make sure that this beautiful creation remained on its true course into the sky.

"Aubrey, you can't stay here. Not when you don't want to. And not for me either. Because I don't want you here. Not because I don't love you, but because you deserve so much better."

Emily felt the fire come to life in her stomach, so she pushed into it, stoked the flames.

"This world, it so badly needs someone like you to find out just how good it can get. It needs people like you, people who are so desperate to better themselves, better everything. And I think you could do that, somewhere far better than here."

Emily recalled the words she had written just that afternoon. Words that arose from her because of Aubrey. Words that she needed now.

"And it's people like you who inspire people like me. People who do far better, not because they have it all, but because they try. It's you who inspires me, by chasing after the stars like you do. Shining as brightly as they do. So please, just see how amazing you are, let yourself be as amazing as you can be."

Emily felt her vision grow fuzzy, tears hot against her eyes, as she felt Aubrey quiet in her embrace. Last push, she told herself, last chance to make Aubrey believe.

"And if you can't see why you would do it for yourself, even when you know you're so worth it,"

Emily's tears spilled over, as she barely let out the words. The words that before, she would not be able to believe before all this. She didn't think she was worthy of such affection, such conviction. But because of Aubrey, and the immense faith that she placed in Emily, this was something Emily could do. Something Emily could put hope in, trust that it might just be enough for Aubrey.

"You should do it for me."

Aubrey buried her head in Emily's chest, and croaked out one word into Emily's sweater.

"Okay."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and we're halfway there
> 
> happy new year by the way
> 
> thanks if you've read this far!


	5. golden dream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> working it all out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cool, so this story got way, way more personal than what i was expecting
> 
> thank you everybody who's been reading and commenting, i love you lots!

Weeks passed, and to Emily it felt as the world unfurled as if a flower. Going to school felt like it was worth it because Emily was watching Aubrey reach its natural conclusion. Spending her time on demos to send to Beca felt so much more worth the time, because it felt like she wasn't doing it just for herself. She was particularly proud of the way the song she had written back then had turned  out, and she felt a rush every time she remembered Beca's proud words about it. Emily was able to take full pride in her leadership over the rhythm section, because she finally felt like she was allowed to treasure herself, even just a little bit. The sun, the days themselves seemed to take on new meaning, and Emily reveled in it, chased it, cherished it. Because in her head it was transient, some part of it at least. It hadn't taken her long to connect the dots.

Soon, summer would come, and the end of the school year would come with it. And that meant Aubrey would go, go to finally rush to the sky. Finally go above, where Emily firmly believed she should be. But that meant she would no longer be with Emily. There wouldn't be any more study sessions after that, no quiet conversations and heartfelt glances. In the grand scheme of things, it really didn't mean that much, Emily supposed. But it, and these days, they were precious to her. She felt comfortable in her own skin, maybe for the first time, comfortable in the halls where she walked. Perhaps that was made the times so special, the notion that they wouldn't, couldn't possibly last. Almost like she was creating the nostalgia for the memories in real time.

In these times, Emily grew more and more grateful for those around her. Lilly and Stacie were ever constant presences for Emily, and she could not find the words to thank them enough. Even if they didn't know the full story behind Emily's changes in recent days, they stuck by her side, made her sweet moments even sweeter and her loneliness a little less so. Recently, Chloe and Emily's step mother had instituted weekly hangouts between the three of them, and it had brought them closer. While it wasn't quite like before, and probably wouldn't ever be, it was nice. It did feel like family, to tell the truth, but a very different sense of the word than what Emily had previously known. In any case Emily felt more loved than she had in very long while.

And of course, Emily was grateful for Aubrey. It felt like they were closer and closer to being of the same mind, and Emily had no doubt that if anyone understood the feelings she was going through, it was Aubrey. For her, things were about to change even more violently, so when Emily noticed her small smile in even the most mundane moments, she understood. The relishing of the moments, as they drifted away, never to be seen again. They were wonderful because of this, in every color that they could be. The joyful, the regretful, the blaring, the subdued. All wrapped wholly in the gift that was the now, and never again. So when they spoke, words of great or little consequence, it felt right, and it felt strong. Like they were building the foundations on which they would hold their bond, even over the months, years maybe, where they would not see each other as often as they did now.

So as spring broke out from the fog of winter, Emily felt her heart growing, fuller and fuller each day, sight growing greater and fonder of the world in front of it in every way.

-

"BECA!"

Emily flew into Beca's arms, with such force that she had to take a few steps backwards to stay steady. As she settled into the hug, Emily noted that Beca was even shorter than she was the last time Emily had seen her. Or maybe it was she was just getting taller. That was probably it. It was so strange to think about, when they had first met they were about the same height. Of course, Emily had been much younger then, and Beca had already gone to bemoan how untrue the title of "big sister" was for her.

"Hey kid."

Beca stretched up to ruffle Emily's hair, and Emily giggled, both at the sensation and at the effort it took for Beca to do so.

"I see you've taken my advice of trying to join the circus seriously, you walk so naturally on those stilts that you call legs."

"Beca, be nice to the girl, she actually eats her vegetables, unlike you."

Emily stepped off to the side to let Chloe and Beca reunite, and to her outside eyes, it looked like for a moment they were lost in their own world. They traded quiet murmurs, then began to kiss. Emily had to look away, it was gross and sweet at the same time. Eventually, thankfully, they broke for air, and Emily felt it safe to continue conversation.

"So, how long before you have to head off to the venue?"

"Well, Chloe's leaving in about an hour so she can help set up. But there's no way I'm going 2 hours early just watch middle aged ladies have another argument about the floral arrangements."

"Yay, we can do sister brunch!"

Sister brunch ended up being Emily doing her best to scrape together something from the pantry while Beca tried to fill in the gaps that Emily had left out of their Facetimes.

"So, how's the Jazz band?" Beca asked while Emily was cooking the eggs.

"Who's been Stacie's most recent fling?" Was the topic as Emily tried not to burn herself with the bacon.

"Does mom still make you go to that poetry club?" As Emily narrowly missed her thumb while cutting the tomatoes.

Then, as Emily was spreading the jelly across the toast: "So, how's Aubrey doing?"

The butter knife slipped from Emily's grasp, clattering loudly against the counter.

"How do you- What do you know exactly?"

Beca laughed from her seat at the dining table, eyes still focused on her laptop.

"Chloe says you go on and on about her. And I don't know nothing you don't want to tell me."

Beca's eyes sparkled with humor. Emily felt like she wanted to shrivel up and die.

"She's just a good friend you know? And she's smart, and she's pretty, and she's super super kind, and-"

Emily stopped to the sound of Beca's chuckle from her chair.

"Sounds like you're kinda of into her."

"No! I mean, yes, I mean, I'm not sure?"

Emily felt ridiculously young in the moment, all wide eyes and babbling.

"I mean, I don't even know if I like girls, but I guess now I'm pretty sure, but I don't really know what liking a girl even means, and I'm just sorta nervous, cause she's probably not even gonna be in Georgia come the summer, and I just don't know, and..."

Beca was by her side then, holding her shoulder as she slowly remembered to breathe.

"Hey kid, just look at me okay?"

Emily slowly steadied her eyes on Beca, who was looking at her with a determined gaze.

"You don't have to have it all figured out okay? Just do you, and know that it's good enough. That you're good enough."

Emily felt like she was watching the world through the lens of camera, slowly, tentatively finding the right focus to see things clearly. It felt so foreign, the familiar walls taking on strange haziness, but it felt right. Like metamorphosis, like transformation.

"That's it, just breathe."

Everything was finding its place in Emily's head. With time, with understanding. The paths in her mind were being laid down, natural as they formed. Beca was right, as she often was. This was her, and there was no need to be afraid of it. Only the need to embrace, to become exactly who she was. She looked up again to Beca's smirk, who looked like she had been waiting at this summit for a long time, anticipating the day when Emily finally worked it all out.

"Now, let's talk about these excellent demos you've been sending me. I really like the one that..."

-

Beca and Chloe ended up coming home around 4am, but Emily was still awake then, still trying to mix the vocals on this demo exactly right. She knew it was just a demo, and it didn't need to be perfect, but she felt like she could do it justice, if she edited it a little better. She didn't even notice when Chloe walked into her room and tapped her on the shoulder. She half jumped out of her chair, whirling around to a tired, but warmly smiling Chloe.

"Oh, sorry. I didn't even hear you come in."

Chloe's smile grew a fraction bigger, lips pressed together.

"That's okay, I figured as much. Working on a demo there?"

"Yeah, I was. Just something I was hoping to show Beca before she left, you know?"

Chloe was sitting on Emily's bed now, leaning back contentedly with her hands propping her up.

"Of course. You know, you looked just like her then, working away on some project so single mindedly, at some ungodly hour."

"Yeah, I guess it is getting pretty late."

A silence fell between them. Chloe looked deep in thought, pensive almost, before she began to speak again.

"I was thinking about that question you asked me a couple weeks ago, you know, how I knew I was gay."

Emily's thoughts seemed to flow naturally to Aubrey, the past couple weeks in general. How everything seemed to have shifted from the axis point that was that day, and the conversations she vividly remembered.

"It got me thinking, about what I was like when I was your age. If I were to go back in time, tell younger me stuff I wish had known then, well I would tell her this."

Chloe was staring at her with an intensity, but a fiercely warm one, like Emily was right next to an old lightbulb.

"There's peace in being fiercely bold. Terrifying as it may seem, at the center of the storm there's a quiet, a silence that can only really come from being  yourself, truly yourself. And people are drawn to that, people are entranced by it. So don't worry about losing everyone. The ones, the ones that truly matter, they'll find their way to you. But only by the beacon that is uniquely you."

Sometime during all of that, Chloe had closed her eyes, but she opened them in that moment to address Emily fully, completely.

"Emily, there's something very special in you, some overrunning spring of thoughts. I'm sure in the past you may have wished that you weren't the way you were, and you may recall all the times that your personality has caused you trouble. But I want you to know, it gets better, for dreamers like us. People who'd rather see the world a little more wonderful than it was before."

Eyes glimmering with tears, Chloe stood over Emily, and pressed her lips against Emily's forehead.

"So I want to give you permission. Or I want to let you give yourself permission. To be yourself, and to not hate it. Because I spent so long, resenting who I was, and in the end, it was that very restraint that held me back from really taking part of my own life. From being who I thought I could be. So please, just be yourself. For you, for everyone. That's all I could hope for you."

Chloe was hugging Emily now, and Emily felt like she was in a very, very small cosy space of the world, where everything was as it should be.

"Come on, you should get into bed."

-

"You look tired."

It wasn't often they had a study session on a Sunday, but Aubrey had a mock final on the weekday they usually were together, so  Aubrey had opened a window to let the cool air and the warm sunshine come in, the birds heralding their own presence in quick cries.

Emily smiled, and pressed a hand to her face, just to the feel the weight of it and make sure she wasn't dreaming.

"Yeah, I had a late night. Working on demos on stuff. Just a littlebitoffun."

Emily trailed off, eyelids briefly drooping.

"Just a little bit of what?"

Aubrey had a creeping smile on her face.

"Fun."

Emily replied with a lazy grin of her own.

"You know how I've been getting super into it."

"I know. But you should take care of yourself too, okay?"

"Mmhmm."

Emily's response trailed off, and they spent a few minutes in content silence, Aubrey diligently combing through her notes with a highlighter, and Emily testing how long she could keep her eyelids from drooping.

"Hey Aubrey?"

"Yes Emily?"

"Wanna know something about me?"

Emily felt a bit lightheaded, but oddly sure of herself. In the back of her head, she knew she was probably about to do something that she was going to regret, but then again, it was Aubrey. Aubrey wouldn't judge her for saying something stupid or honest, or both.

"Sure Emily."

Aubrey joined Emily on the bed, sitting close enough that their feet glanced each other when they traced the empty air.

"But only if you feel comfortable sharing it with me."

Aubrey sounded strangely serious, almost like she knew what Emily was going to say. Emily on the other hand, barely had control over her lips as the next few words came tumbling out of her lips.

"Well, I'm still working it out, kinda of like most things I guess, but I think I'm gay?"

Emily's hand flew up to her own mouth, half in shock, half in excitement. Her sleep deprived brain had crystallized one of the half formed thoughts in her head, one that had been lying dormant for a long time. Her head was a flurry of blossoming notions and counter notions.

_Well it does explain why boys never really interested me._

_But wait, I thought I told Stacie I wasn't?_

_It does just feel kinda right. Huh._

Emily was ripped out of the runaway train of thoughts by Aubrey, hugging her from her side. Her head was pressing into the back of Emily's shoulder.

"Well, if you are or if you aren't, it doesn't change anything about our friendship. I think you're very brave for even able to think about this at this point, and I'm even more honored that you trusted me with this, okay?"

There was no breakdown this time, no artful conclusion. Just Emily, and a girl she could not be more grateful for. They went straight back to just being Emily and Aubrey, Aubrey returning to study while Emily was distracted by her own thoughts. Emily wouldn't change it for anything. But she knew that the world would. Just by the very nature of time.


	6. pristine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> some semblance of denouement

Emily stepped off the stage, grin unable to be hidden from her face. They had just finished the last competition for the year, and today couldn't have gone any better. The whole band had played well, and rhythm section were super locked in the whole time. Jessica played a killer solo for the second song of their set, and Emily was impressed by how quick Unicycle was improving. Emily couldn't be prouder of the hard work they had all put in to play like they just did, and she felt the familiar confidence swell in her, the one that Donald had instilled into the band. Except now, the source of confidence was from her, and she could accept it. It still felt odd, like breaking in new shoes, but it felt right.

Just like how Chloe said it would be.

It really did feel like she was welcoming familiar strangers through the door of her head, watching as they took place by the table, next to her friends and family, engaging in bright conversation. It was as if she didn't quite know all their names yet, but she knew the faces, the smiles. They were her, in some new form. As outlandish and odd as they might seem, they still felt like they belonged. And sitting with the whole band, packed into one small diner for a celebratory lunch, Emily didn't feel like the awkward standout, with not too much to say but a lot to prove. She felt herself, and almost entirely so.

Now that the competitions were behind them, the Jazz Band only had a few performances to take care of. But arguably they were the ones that mattered the most. Because they would not only be playing for the school's annual presentation evening, but for the graduation as well. And all eyes would be on them then, at least the ones who would be able to say something afterward. Last year, the notion of doing so had terrified Emily. But now, with her new borne confidence, Emily could honestly say that she was looking forward to it. She was more than just that awkward, shy guitar playing girl who trusted nobody. She had responsibility, but more importantly she had support. The band, they were a team, and they could rely on each other.

And in the same way, Emily had begun to let herself trust more and more in the people around her. Whether Jazz Band taught her that or if it was simply the product of a deeper change, Emily could not say. Regardless, she felt closer to almost everyone really in her life than ever before. Even people that she felt she could not be more honest with, life this year had found a way to open her up, to speak the truth, even when it seemed so insurmountable.

Beneath all this, bubbling brighter and brighter under her, Emily had another reason to play well, to play with her very soul. There was a girl, who pushed her into greater and greater things, and the best way Emily knew how to honor that was to ring out with sound that strove to reach her.

-

"One chocolate with pistachios."

"Oh, and a strawberries and cream!"

"One Bertie Bott's."

Emily, Stacie and Lilly were at the one place where they could find something sweeter than finally finishing their sophomore year. The ice cream store. As they got their orders and settled into a booth, the giggling did not stop, the joy of being done with another school year crashing over them and buzzing in the air.

"So, how did we think we went?"

Stacie asked good naturedly.

"Probably bombed it to be honest."

They burst into another round of giggles.

"Well, it's far past us now!"

They sat there for a bit, contentedly licking their ice creams away, with the exception of Lilly, who had bitten off the bottom of the cone and was sucking at the open end. Emily felt some sort of nostalgia for the present in that moment, as if she was looking at them far forward in the future, through a fish lens of blurred memories. She wanted to capture the feelings, the details of the now more clearly, lest she forget what it was like to live like this.

"What was everyone's favorite class of the year?"

Was the only question Emily could first think to ask. Stacie wrinkled her nose at the query, but nevertheless was the first to answer.

"Chem for sure. I was so glad they started to let us to more of the complicated stuff this year, it was so boring during freshman year. Plus Mr Swanson's kinda hot, so if I need a nice distraction...."

"Don't let your 72 boyfriends hear that."

Emily then stuck her tongue out, and Stacie flipped her off with her free hand in return.

"I liked maths a lot. Me and Mr Watts shared notes on how to best interrogate prisoners of war."

Stacie smiled at that. It was her genuine smile, Emily noted, quite subdued compared to her "watch this guy melt" smile and her "I swear mom, I didn't do it" smile.

"Oh yeah, what did you guys decide was the best method?"

"Decapitation."

Emily began to laugh before she got her reply out.

"Well you'd definitely get inside their heads."

They broke out into peals of laughter again. The store owner gave Emily a weird look when she starting banging the table too hard.

"What about you Emily?"

Lilly's expectant eyes were trained on Emily. An instinctive answer came out before Emily could really fathom why.

"I mean history was kind of fun this year, it was cool learn about the world as a whole..."

"You're just saying that because you had Aubrey giving you private lessons the entire year."

Stacie said with a teasing grin. All Emily could do was smile back, and her smile only widened as she thought about how patient, how effective Aubrey's teaching had been. She really was grateful.

Not just for Aubrey, but for the friends sitting right in front of her, for the family that had gone through everything with her. For the year really, all the wonderful surprises it had brought and the rewarding challenges to overcome. And in that moment, Emily couldn't help it but to find within her the gratefulness she had towards Barden. As initially cruel as it had seemed, and for all the loneliness it had wrought her, it had made her stronger. Made her more sure that she was becoming exactly who she wanted to be. Even if other people thought of her as different or strange. The world was hers to control. So as she continued to laugh with her friends in a ice cream shop, thinking about a middle class school in the middle of Georgia, Emily gave a silent prayer of thanks to the sky for everything she had.

-

"Hey kid."

"Hi Beca!"

"How'd your exams go?"

As Emily began detailing her past few weeks, she couldn't help but notice there was a spark in Beca's eyes. Emily recognized as the one Beca had when she had a plan, the type where she was so caught up the revelry of what could be that it swept her up and spilled from her face. That was Beca's mischief look, when she wanted to cause trouble, usually for Emily's step mother. That was Beca's producer look, when she heard a song exactly how she wanted it in her head. And today, it looked like that gaze was focused on her. Surely enough, there was barely a lull in the conversation when Beca's head practically snapped up to ask Emily a question.

"What are your plans for the summer?"

"Nothing much, well nothing really. Why?"

Beca's smirk broadened.

"Well, you remember that demo that you sent me just before I came back?"

That was Flashlight, the one that Emily had begun to write on that very eventful day. The one she had spent hours on soon after, trying to make it encapsulate all the things that she was feeling at the time. Yes, Emily knew that one very well.

"Yep, yep, Flashlight?"

"Uh huh. Well, I spent a bit of time on it."

Emily gave Beca a look, clearly challenging the statement. Beca never spent "a bit" of time on anything.

"Okay, well, a lot of time. Because I really liked it. You've got some good melodies there, nice lyrics, and the recording you did was very clean, might I add."

"Thank you."

Emily felt a stab of pride at that, but she was still waiting for Beca to get to the point.

"I was working on it while I was at work, and then my boss came into my office to ask what I was doing, because apparently I looked way more enthralled then I have while I've been on the current project."

Beca was currently working with a newly formed country supergroup called the Bible Belt, and she had made it very clear that she did not enjoy creating their music, or engaging with them in any way.

"Anyway, he had a listen, and I thought he was mad, but then he was like, who's this on the vocals, and I was like, it's my super rad step sister Emily, and he was like, she signed with anyone yet, and I was like, nope. And then he said, let's get her in the studio for some better demos, and I was like yessir, totally. So what I'm pretty much asking is, want to come to LA over the summer to record demos with me?"

Wait, had Emily heard her right?

Beca, her super cool step sister Beca, wanted her to come to LA to record for her? Because her ultra successful boss complimented their work? Emily was in shock for a moment, then her mind immediately rushed to one conclusion. Of course she would come to LA over summer. It was the perfect chance to make some good music, a chance to hang out with her sister.

But that last thought immediately brought the ramifications to Emily's mind. If all went well from Aubrey, and she did have to move from Georgia, this would be the last summer in a long time when they could see each other. In all of Emily's rationalizations for why it would be okay to let Aubrey go, the notion had always been that she would at least get to spend this summer with her.

Beca must have noticed the change in her face, and she interrupted Emily's wildly spiraling thoughts.

"What's wrong kid? I thought you'd be ecstatic about this. I know I am!"

Emily knew Beca was trying to cheer her up, but her words only made Emily feel guilty. Guilty for how she might have to let Beca down, or Aubrey.

"If you don't want to, you definitely don't have to,"

Beca began to say in a more comforting tone.

"But I think we can do something really special. Give a think, and you can call me whenever you make up your mind, okay?"

Emily felt especially guilty at the moment. Beca must have assumed that this would have been a excellent graduation surprise for Emily. And in any other set of circumstances, it would have been. If not for Aubrey, and her small, sweet ways. Emily would have to make a decision at some point. But for now, Beca was giving her time, and she did appreciate that.

"Okay, I'll call you soon, love you."

"Love you too kiddo."

-

Emily had been on her phone the entire study session, having no exams or school left to think about. On the other hand, Aubrey was diligently marking a giant stack of practice papers she had done earlier that day. Emily was lost in thought, still fixated on the decision that Beca had presented to her just before. To be honest, Emily was intending not to talk to Aubrey about it. It wasn't fair on her. Still, just like before, Aubrey's presence had the tendency of bringing the earnestness out of Emily.

"Beca wants me to go to LA over the summer to record music with her."

Emily said tonelessly.

Aubrey's eyes glittered.

"That's great! You should totally go and rock the music world there!"

Aubrey studied Emily in the moment, watched her eyes glance glassy out the window. The way she was playing with the tassels in her skirt. The overall stillness that was odd for her.

"But you don't want to go, do you?"

Emily let out a big sigh.

"It's not that I don't want to go, I defs do. It'd be such a good chance to make music with Beca, good music..."

"But there's something stopping you."

Of course Aubrey could divine Emily's inner struggle in a matter of minutes. Emily turned to look at her fully, wistful gaze wishing she could capture everything Aubrey was to take with her.

"It's just... This summer is the last time in a long time when we get hang out, you know?"

"Oh Emily."

"I just didn't want to waste it, I didn't want you to forget about me."

Emily felt her emotions tip closer towards tears.

"Oh Emily, there's no way I would forget about you."

Aubrey had swept her up in her arms again, and Emily felt wonderfully fragile. Like she was being held together by Aubrey and her affection.

"We still have some time, and when, if I leave, we'll talk as often as you like."

Aubrey's hands began rubbing small circles on Emily's back.

"And I'll take you with every step that I take, you know why?"

Emily said nothing, but Aubrey pressed on.

"Because I'll always remember the girl who believed in me, when it felt like no-one else did. The girl who said that I was better than all this, that I could achieve so much more, if only I believed in myself. The girl who said even if I couldn't find the strength do it for myself, that I could do it for her. And she knew that would be enough."

Emily's tears fell wordlessly.

"So, I'm telling you that there's no chance that you're gonna stay here. You're going to go to LA and make some kickass music. And you can do it because you believe in yourself, or because you believe in Beca. But if that's not enough, and you feel like you have nothing else to go on for,"

Aubrey sniffled, but Emily couldn't see tears, not when she was hidden underneath Aubrey's enveloping arms.

"You can do it for me, okay?"

Emily could only find the strength to speak a single word, but in that moment, it meant everything. Aubrey was everything, the stars, the sun, all the hints of beauty that Emily had been chasing in the world.

"Okay."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> one more chapter to go
> 
> whoo hoo


	7. anytime

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for such a long wait. I had planned out one way to end this, but my heart wanted something else.
> 
> Timeline may be a little fucked because I don't live in America and I just discovered through my "research" how different their system is from the one I know.
> 
> Whoops.
> 
> Still, I hope you enjoy this last chapter. Thank you so much if you've read all through this story, and special thanks to those who commented. You were all very nice and I honestly did not know what to say besides thank you, so here it is.

Aubrey didn't believe in fate too often. Things were a lot simpler when you didn't look at them in that way. Causes could be elucidated, methods derived, and even the smallest minutiae of the world could be understood with enough patience and determination. Fate on the other hand was mysterious, inconsistent, and, at least in Aubrey's mind, represented a certain degree of ignorance that one held towards the actual going ons of the world. Aubrey had lived her entire life attempting to divine the ways of life, reorder the distortions of emotions into comprehensible blocks of thought, the ones that she used to built her lonely ivory tower.

But try as she might, there were still times when events occurred, times so perfectly intentional, that she could not help but attribute to some divine power, some cosmic interference to ensure that things happened just as they should. Circumstances that would not have occurred any more purposefully if you have written them down. For better or worse. Times like these had branded themselves on Aubrey's mind, glowing out from all the rest of the days she had lived. The family holidays where she had fallen in love with everything outside of Georgia. The day she had met Emily. The night Cam, poor, sweet Cam, had left this world.

If there was a heaven, he'd be up there, right? Her baby brother, swept mercilessly from this world. He'd be looking down, understanding in his eyes, watching Aubrey in this moment. The moment others would be surrounded by a host of their family and friends, ready to joyously celebrate the moment. But Aubrey didn't really want anyone else seeing. Well, there was one person. But Aubrey would rather not see Emily hurt, regardless of the circumstance. Which one would be worse, to find out she was wrong about Aubrey, or that she was completely right?

So it was just Aubrey alone in her room, and Cam surely looking over her shoulder, as she waited at her computer with baited breath. All that Aubrey had been thinking of in the days before, all her convoluted plans for any of the places she might be going to, it all dissipated from her mind, leaving behind a clear pool of thought, lucid and clean. What remained was acceptance, for whatever was going to happen in the next few moments, and unsurprisingly, the girl who undoubtedly changed the course of her life.

It was strange, how everything in that moment reminded her of Emily. Almost like the universe was trying to tell her something. Spring was coming alive outside her bedroom window, sunlight streaming in like holy visitors. The breeze gently passing into the room, soothing her scalp. The birds warbling in lazy song. Aubrey closed her eyes, taking it all end. It felt too right, it felt exactly so. It felt like fate. She opened her eyes again see confirm what she already knew in her heart, what one girl who had bravely chosen to believe in her thought all along.

Emily was right.

She was getting out of here.

-

Aubrey sat at her seat for graduation, spectacle in front of her. But she wasn't focused on the celebrations, she was in her own head, having her own quiet little party for the school year that passed. It had been difficult, there was many a time where she had struggled to believe she would even make it, much less push to excel in the ways that she had wanted to. But she had no regrets, nothing that she would have taken away or added. That was in line with the strange ways she found herself thinking, the ways in which the world seemed to bend now. More and more Aubrey took things as fate, even as she fought tooth and nail to change the ways in which her world worked.

But was it really Aubrey's fault, with the ways that the days of late had been panning out? She could not help but fall in the patterns of thought, those that whispered how wonderful the weather was, how electrifying the air felt in face the last trials of school that Aubrey to face. It reminded her of something Emily had once mentioned to her, how the ending of things made them mean more. Back then, she thought it akin to recency effects, just the most vivid by their temporal position. But this felt different, like she was solidifying everything she had done before by doing it for the last time.

As she stood in the line leading up to the stage, she became aware of the sounds of Barden's jazz band playing. While the swung versions of Top 40 wasn't particularly to Aubrey's taste, hearing it still made a sense of pride bubble up in her. Aubrey was hearing the sounds of Emily's hard work and heart manifest, and she marveled at its texture. There was something so enchanting about the way Emily worked at things, at her music, the way she shamelessly took her heart's whispers and forged them, with tireless spirit, to something formed of crystal beauty.

She took the steps up to the stage, line inching closer and closer. This was it, the culmination of hard fought years, the small disappointments now long behind her, the sense of old victories seeping into the present. She thought of the people who had led her here. Her father, sometimes cruel and vindictive, but all in the name of pushing Aubrey further past what she thought she could be. Her mother, kind but unyielding, allowing her just enough to go on. Cam, gone too soon from this world, giving Aubrey something to fight for. And Emily, oh sweet Emily. The start to Aubrey's end, when she had nothing left, she had Emily's words. Her presence, her friendship.

This was not pride in this moment, this was thankfulness. For every star in the sky, for every cursing wind. The threads were all aligning, collapsing, for better or worse. Closing the last page of the longest chapter, the most treasured, the most bitter of her life. For all her might, Aubrey could only think to summon two words in her mind that encapsulated this moment.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

-

It was under the white evening sun they met last.

The last day in a string of sweltering days, the herald, the prelude to the summer.

It was the park across from Aubrey's house, the one that she had looked at from across her window, longed desperately to break her father's rules as a child and lose herself in revelry. A place to finally be herself, the last bastion of Georgia. The last place she would be before she left this place, took an evening flight to the rest of the world. It would have been nothing but joy, everything triumph. If it wasn't for the way that she got here, the one person who made her believe in herself.

Aubrey came down after Emily texted, and there the girl stood, hands tightly clenched and biting her lip. And the first words she said were the best words she said, the ones Aubrey had been waiting since forever to hear from the girl.

"I love you, you know that right?"

Just hearing it so blatantly, so bluntly, made Aubrey quickly, unexpectedly tear up. A hot flush rose up in her, wrapped ribbons around her throat so that she could not find the words to speak. Not that Emily seemed to mind, as she began speak from her heart. Plainly and clearly. In the ways that Aubrey knew was only natural to her, in the ways that Aubrey could have never thought she'd inspire. Until Emily. Until this.

"I love you, and I think you already knew that. For some time, at least, you're too smart to not have. But before you go, before this ends, and before everything changes, I needed to tell you exactly how I love you. Because it's not just mere affection, the way my heart pulses when you're near me. It's not just the way your beauty is entrancing, the way you manage to speak your own kind of eloquence into this world, so calculated, yet so elegant. It's not even just the way our two souls have managed to find each other, in just the right ways, in just the right times. It's all of those things, and more. This is not just love, this is everything."

"I love you in the ways that you make me better. You know me so well, you know exactly what's holding me back. Just like I know you. You push me to greater heights, you let me borrow your wings to make it up to where I couldn't believe I could go. When I have excuses, you have answers. When I get caught up in my whirlwind fantasies, you're ready to ground me, make me steady. But you understand where I go, why I go. This isn't just opposites attract. This is two girls, in the middle of nowhere, with aligned souls, despite the ocean of world between them."

"I love you in the ways that you're ready to make things better. That what's in front of us, the world that others would accept, that's not enough for you. You're never satisfied what with what the world has to offer. You know that there's more to life, you know it fiercely. Never have I met someone so brave, so wonderful, such they challenge life the way that you do. Someone with just the right amount of understanding, and determination, that they're willing to change what they understand to make it better. You the inquisitor, you the arbiter. People like you are destined to change the world."

"And I love you in the way that you love me. You love me, exactly like how you love me. In all the ways that make you wonderful. Your kindness, your boldness, your intelligence, your wit, your focus, your joy, your weakness, your power, your everything. And I know it's real, I swear to god it's real. This is real. You and I, somehow we found each other. And I'm so glad to whatever heaven made this happen. Because I don't think I would have made it to here without you, and without a doubt my greatest moment is letting you get to yours."

Both girls began to take in every facet of this moment, let it seep in. Neither wanted to forget a thing about this, the world as it would rapidly no longer be.

As if by a string, they drew closer and closer to each other. The sun was dying, the air was bleeding heat. The neighborhood sound quieted around them, the breeze whispering now, now and surely now. All she could see was her eyes, her smile, her destiny drawing closer. Their shoes parted the grass, the trees themselves seemed to bend inwards to watch a little closer. The earthy smell of the ground slowly gave way to the perfume the other was wearing. Hands brushed against clothing, then found their partners. Warm and soft, skin on skin electric. Bodies were pulled together, the time for bashfulness long past the two.

And when they kissed, it was a promise. That this would be etched for eternity, in hearts, in minds. That these days would not go to waste, they would sprout wings like butterflies, wings beating out a thousand consequences. Even as the world around them burned its final breath, its last benediction. This would mean something. Because it meant everything now. All else was silence, but this song. So clear and pure, so simple yet everything now. This would be the song to sing to sleep, to waking, to failure, to victory. Detailing the monoliths made from ruins, the hearts from ashes, the two kindred flames that had irrevocably altered each other.

They finally broke, breathless, and the ending seemed to trade between the gaze. Pain, fear, tension, love, peace, acceptance. What was to come, and how it would all feel like. The story was waiting, begging to be written, and they had worked so hard, on each other for, and they would not let it down. It all passed, all in the moments where eyes locked, inches apart. And so as Aubrey drew away from Emily, she didn't cry. There would be time for that later. Instead, she watched as Aubrey turned away from, back to her childhood home for one last time, and disappeared from Emily's sight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, thank you for reading, and if anyone has any suggestions on what I should write next, feel free to shoot.


End file.
